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all the junk

humor

This tag is associated with 7 posts

The Gospel According to Kristen

Every year my friends talk about what they’re giving up for the 40-day lenten period before Zombie Jesus rises from the ground to fight Darth Vader Easter. Every year, I go on the same tirade about how giving something up for less than two months does not a good Christian make. As a kid, I’d … Continue reading

Bachelorette: Better than Bridesmaids, so suck it.

A few weeks ago I had the distinct privilege of watching a bootleg copy of Bachelorette with my very dear friend, The Director. She told me before we watched it that I’d like it more than I liked Bridesmaids. I thought she was insane, because Bridesmaids is, like, thebestfemaledrivencomedyever, or so everyone tells me. I … Continue reading

The “Misery Loves Company” Conundrum

Everyone who knows me knows I hate cliches- those awful quotes people tweet and retweet, and post onto backgrounds of sunsets and rainbows and mountains to vomit all over your Facebook feed. Most of that drivel is pure, unadulterated, Hallmark junk masquerading as inspiration, manufactured so you can make excuses for yourself and your behavior. “What’s … Continue reading

An Open Letter to Tim Tebow

They say opposites attract, so it’s no wonder a sailor-mouthed Planned Parenthood donor like me fell for the charitable, kind golden boy of the NFL. I’ve been stalking your…career ever since you were a baby Gator. I knew we were destined for something because you’re from Florida, and my favorite place in the world happens … Continue reading

Confirmation that I am a Horrible Person

I know I’m not the first person that’s ever done this before. I still think it’s worthy of a rant.  Last week, against all my better judgment and common sense, I decided to open a match.com account. I spent hours after work crafting the perfect witty profile and complimenting it with my best pictures. I … Continue reading

Shit Doesn’t Happen, aka Writer’s Block

I’ve been forcing myself to sit at my computer and write out the fourth entry in the March Madness series, but every time I type out exactly what we did that day it seems unworthy of a post and anticlimactic. And you deserve more than that. Long story short: we came, we drank, we watched … Continue reading

the best way to tell a story is from the beginning

So fuck everyone, I’m starting in the middle. You have to assume something is wrong with your life when you find yourself having a mental breakdown in front of an Applebee’s at 3:30 on a Monday. Mascara was running down my face and onto the cover of my Contracts textbook. My nose was also running … Continue reading

Snapshot

Oopsies. Something's supposed to be here.

Circa very late 2014/very early 2015.

Law school dropout. Lover of all things Disney. Exploring the vast wildlands of New Jersey and recording every second.

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