Tim Tebow may be coming to New Jersey, and I am devastated.
How is this even possible? My favorite player in the history of the National Football League was just traded to the area, and I couldn’t be more upset. Why? Because Tim Tebow was traded to the Jets.
From a young age, every Giant fan is taught two things: 1.) Hate the Cowboys and the Eagles, and 2.) Pay no attention to the idiots in green. When I was younger it was easier. Thousands of fans in Jets garb would descend upon the stadium that still bore the name of the better New York team. Back then it was like class warfare: every Jersey-living commuter rooted for the Giants, and every New York-bred blue collar worker was a Jet fan. The hierarchy of the Jets and Giants was never compromised, cemented even after the 2008 Superbowl. Then came Rex Ryan and his big, fucking mouth. The rise of the Jets and their playboy quarterback happened to coincide with the downturn of the Giants. People were comparing Mark Sanchez to Joe Namath (ha!), and Rex was flapping his gums at an alarming rate. At the same time, the Jets and Giants decided to revamp the stadium, and Metlife Insurance bought the naming rights. Every asshole Jet fan I know has been referring to it as Jetlife Stadium ever since. Luckily, the Jets experienced a horrendous season (karma, perhaps?) and the Giants have added another Lombardi trophy to their resume. In the weeks following the Superbowl it’s been all Eli, all JPP, all big blue. If there’s one thing the Johnson family and Rex Ryan can’t stand, it’s not being on the front page. So what do they do?
Oh, nothing but scoop up the most talked about player of the decade in exchange for a measly fourth round pick. Doesn’t matter that he was a Heisman-winning, starting QB who led the Broncos to the playoffs and defeated the Steelers last year. Doesn’t matter that they already have a popular quarterback who seemed to have lost his footing last year. Whatever gets you in the headlines, Woody.
I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware Tim (I prefer using his first name) isn’t the best Quarterback in the NFL. Far from it. What he is, and I say this without my usual sarcasm, is an inspiration. He’s the one who little kids look up to and say, “It doesn’t matter if I’m ‘(fill in the blank)’, I can still do it”. Why do you think so many people give a shit about him? It’s because they need something, someone to hold on to. People need someone who lived the dream to allow themselves to follow their own.
My infatuation with Tim borders on the strange and bizarre, if not the obsessive. I ordered his Denver Broncos jersey the minute he got drafted to the team. When Tim called upon his Twitter followers to donate $1 during his Dollar Day campaign to build hospitals in some third world country, I donated $5. I wanted to convince Tim I was willing to give him everything, or at least what I would have spent on a beer at The Shannon Rose. I still have the letter he sent to me, thanking me for my paltry donation. I tried to convince all my relatives at Christmas that it was ink-signed. I still refer to him as my future husband to my grandfather, who rolls his eyes and tells me to shut up because Judge Judy’s on.
Promised, a Jets jersey will never touch my skin. Admitted, I am still kind of little-girl excited that Tim may be moving somewhere in the North Jersey vicinity. Come to Montclair, Timmy! We have Brookdale Park, Applegate’s and Stephen Colbert! If you’re more of a mainstream America kinda guy and less of a rich hipster, hop on over to Clifton! Shopping malls and chain restaurants galore await you! And me! Did I mention me? I could take you to Hot Grill or Cups! And we’ve got a million churches, you’ll basically have your run of the town!
Granted, all of my dreams could be for naught if the NFL squashes the trade (much as they squashed the Saints next season- ooooohhhh sick burn). But I’m praying to baby Jesus and Roger Goodell that it’ll go through and next season there will be a new resident in the Dirty. Of course, I’d still have to convince Tim that we’re perfect for each other despite the fact that I’m a staunch pro-choice feminist, but isn’t overcoming obstacles what Tim Tebow is all about?